Needing a Superhero

It’s a bird…It’s a plane…

No, it was you…It was always you..

I remember when I laid eyes on this Superhero who graced that church with his presence…and I felt unworthy.

Just a profile, a shoulder, a peak of his face.

Without knowing, I’d feel the weight “unworthy” for months without end because all I wanted was to stand in the shadows of his force.

But… I wasn’t made for shadows.

I was made for light, at least that’s what my broken heart felt out of spite.

Because although it wasn’t him that broke me, he repeated the story that I couldn’t be and wouldn’t be.

And… it may have always been him, it would…could…never be me

Because I’m unworthy.

Maybe that sounds self-deprecating, but honestly, it was just kind of true

Like a shirt you try on at the store that just “didn’t work”, he didn’t like me enough to keep forever…or, at least he definitely needed to know the return policy before he bought it.

No matter what I tried,

As much as I wanted him to keep me forever,

I couldn’t be a shirt that he liked enough to actually buy,

I could only be me.

And, maybe that’s where the problem came.

That my soul found rest in his instead of in mine

Because I felt like someone finally saw the depth of my being, and could help me find the places that every one else had been too afraid to see including myself.

Because down there is just too much

Or, better yet, maybe it’s just not enough

Because she’s dark, and she’s needy,

And apparently when she is seen, the shirt just goes back on the hanger because the care instructions are just too much to handle.

I can’t keep hiding that depth of my soul because she can’t be handled or wants too much or is too broken to be cherished

Because all she wants to hear is “you’re loved and free and accepted to be whatever it is you want to be”.

I pause…

Well, maybe he wasn’t the problem or the one who was ever suppose to say that, maybe I am.

Maybe it’s my own fear of her depth that creates disconnect so I cripple her and push her down and fake whatever I need to find and feel love

Maybe it’s me who says things like I am unworthy pushing down my deepest layers from being seen so that I don’t get put back on a hanger because I’m more afraid of being alone than death.

Consistently trying to be a different shirt at a different store, so that I may be noticed and taken home forever, when really I was exhausted.

I was tired of caring, of hurting, of begging to be seen. I was tired of lashing out and talking back so that he’d notice me.

I know I wasn’t loved the way that I loved him, and although I should’ve walked away sooner I couldn't. Because he actually did buy me at that store, but he knew there’s a return policy and eventually he wanted his money back.

And I went back to the store from whence I came, and wait for someone else to try me on and take me home forever.

But after all is said and done, I finally can stand and say that to the depth of my own soul: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I told you you weren’t good. I am sorry I told you you aren’t beautiful. I’m sorry I’ve forced you to listen to voices that can’t fully care for you, because I didn’t know how to love you.

I’m sorry I made you scared, I’m sorry I whored you out to those who might be able to tell me who you are. I’m sorry I never just asked you.

I’m sorry that Mom couldn’t understand you and thus couldn’t teach you to understand yourself.

I’m sorry Dad always said I love you but you’re not enough of something he decided you should be.

I’m sorry that everyone else labeled you too much or not enough, and I believed them.

But listen now, you can rest. Because I will finally listen to you instead of them. Tell me who you want to be and what you feel, rest in knowing that I’ll listen and fight.

Because… you are worthy.

My soul, you are powerful. You don’t exude femininity like those around you, which can be intimidating or not necessarily desirable. Oh, but you have power.

You are strong, you take on the weight of everyone else’s emotions in a way that is your superpower.

You are joyful. You’d be the happiest person in every room that changes the atmosphere if I’d just let you be free.

You love so deeply and so quickly and you don’t decipher on who deserves it. It doesn’t have to be earned and it doesn’t have to be specific, you just want people to know they’re loved.

I’m sorry it’s took me 25 years to see you. I’m sorry I have looked in a mirror every day of my life and not seen how wonderful you are.

I’m sorry I locked you in a cage and sent you away, because I was afraid that I was wrong about you.

But that ended.

Be free my soul, be free. Be everything that we were meant to be. Let’s reconnect body and soul so that my emotional storm can finally sleep.

Take the wheel and take the reigns, because you deserve to take control of this journey. You are much more beautiful than I.

You are confident and I am insecure.

You are beautiful and I am broken.

But you, the deep within me, you can change us. You are the Superhero I’ve always needed.

If you…if you are within me, and we shall no longer act as two, than it’s me. I’m the Superhero I’ve always needed.

I’m the one purchasing the shirt, that always works and I want to keep forever.

You aren’t made for shadows, you are made for light. And you don’t need to stand in someone else’s force.

It was never anyone else.

It’s a bird?

It’s a plane?

No… it’s me

It was always me.